Homeless in the Woods: Week 1

*Updated* (with the usual edits and corrections)

Moved out of my temporary Winter quarters last Thursday and, after a failed attempt to find a safe place in the woods to camp within closer walking distance to downtown Montpelier than what I had for tenting out last year, finally managed to make camp in the woods much farther out than desirable and set up my tent just prior to dark setting in.

Due to pulling an all-nighter — my second within only a few days — the night before so I could finish packing, I was terribly exhausted, thus resulting in my being slower in everything I tried to do. In addition, certain things went undone as well.

With the help of an off-the-shelve sleeping aid and, despite considerable pain and discomfort, I managed to sleep relatively okay the first three nights.

However, although going to bed around 9:00 PM Sunday evening and, not wanting to take the sleeping aid night after night in a row and also because of some of the effects it seemed I may have been experiencing from it, I could not manage to get to sleep until 6:00 AM the next morning.

It had rained hard all evening as well as all Monday morning and did not seem to stop until around 2:00 PM or so. Yet this was not the only reason I could not sleep and it ended up being what I typically term as being a bad night, which is something I can experience on any given night, sometimes right out of the blue and other times because something has either upset or stimulated me in one fashion or another, setting my mind into overdrive.

Since I was so tired from a lack of sleep as well as lack of proper nutrition of late and with it raining so hard, I slept in until I could tell the rain had stopped.

Had to bail out some water that made its way into the tent and related problems caused by it.

Then I went into town for a couple of hours to run errands late in the afternoon, including for a quick birdbath, quickly check e-mail and grab my one meal of the day — other than having had a few of mini-Clif bars from a package of 18 bars I bought last Thursday.

When I got back to the tent last night I had some more mopping up to do, without what I really need to do so. It does not help that I have such poor camping or outdoor survival skills, knowledge or experience.

Overall I have been real tired and dragging, with my health not doing well, although I was experiencing some of the same to a certain degree when I was temporarily housed the previous eight (8) months too.

While these matters have made me feel rather desperate, as well as filling me with anxiety and causing further major depression and panic attacks at times, my continued attempts to find housing have thus far failed.

With no transportation available on Saturday due to it being July 4th and not much to do during the entire weekend, I managed to arrange to get inside for a three night stay indoors starting this coming Friday; particularly since it looks much of the next four months will be spent living houseless (aka homeless), with only my tent in the wood being the the place of last resort.

Suffice it to say that if I were to make the mistake to disclose to anyone specifically what else I was going through or experiencing and, how it made me feel and think at times relating to potential self-harm (i.e., one who is often prone to suicidal ideation on either a daily or episodic basis can easily be pushed there real quickly, particularly under rocky circumstances such as a lack of stable habitat, lack of proper nutrition or lack of enough restful sleep and even worse when it is a combination of any or all three*[1]), it could probably get me unwanted time in the state hospital or something else like that and just as bad; when much of what is really needed in my case is permanent housing along the lines of what would meet my needs and on terms acceptable to me, yet have not been able to manage to get there from here on my own either the past twelve (12) years or currently and that despite seeking assistance from those I feel safe or comfortable enough to do so from.

*[1: Ironically enough, when talking about bears and other creatures in the woods as well as concerns about having people come across me and my camp with intent to cause me or my property harm, someone generously offered me use of a handgun, however knowing how it either could too easily be used against me or used an excuse to harass me in some way, I declined; not to mention the potential of my using such on myself when in utter despair, which I have been struggling with both now and in years past of course. The person meant well, but had not thought it through, yet I had done so enough for the both of us in order to know better]

Sad to say, others have it much worse than myself and this does not make me feel any better, if anything it only makes things more depressing.

All that said, I do the best I am able at any given moment and, even when certain moments appear to be their darkest and bleakest, never ever give up hope, even and most especially when there is nothing to be hopeful about.

*Note*: made several edits and corrections for the purposes of clarification and readability; last updated on Wednesday, July 1, 2009 at 2:18 PM (ET).

Recent Advocacy Efforts

*Updated*

Read commentary I wrote during the wee hours of an all-night I pulled Saturday evening (March 28th), which relates to some of my recent advocacy efforts concerning mental health, homelessness and housing pertaining to Vermont and cross-posted on four different blogs, here (via Green Mountain Daily) as well as, here (via Beyond VSH blog), here (via Vermont Watch blog) and, here (via iBrattleboro).

*Update*: Video version posted online (via Seesmic):

*Note*: last updated on Friday, April 3, 2009 at 3:33 AM (EDT).

Dealing With Stress

In attempting to help answer a question Twittered about on how to deal with stress (here; via swichi293 aka Brian Swichkow), I replied with a two part answer (here and, here; via vtweetup).

What follows is an edited, revised and updated version of the same.

Stress sometimes results from the friction created by one trying to hold onto something originating out of certain expectations as well as related needs.

Thus, it is not enough to simply attempt to let go of something, rather one must also re-evaluate and then change one’s expectations as well as find different means to fulfill one’s needs.

Doing so may allow one to lessen the amount of stress being encountered, however just like with any other learned habit, this will take time, patience and perseverance to learn not to return to the same expectations all over again or otherwise to merely repackage them either.

How Much is a Life Worth?

*Updated* (with the usual edits)

What follows is an (re)edited version of a post as well as edited repost of a comment I posted in reply to a news article published within the Boston Globe this morning concerning major layoffs of Massachusetts Department of Mental Health (DMH) case managers (here): i.e., those providing direct services to mental health clients across human services within the state and whom help ensure those clients receive the needed services they are eligible for. Take my word for it, these are critical positions, I know.

Back in 1987, if I recall correctly shortly after the Massachusetts Department of Mental Health (DMH) created their case management program providing state case managers to ensure that publicly funded community mental health center (CMHC) clients were able to get the services they were eligible (across all systems) for as well as when they landed in the state hospital, which is often when it could make a huge difference — since the CMHC’s usually did a poor job of follow-up if at all with their clients then, the person who had been my CMHC emergency services case manager from the get go of my introduction to the public mental health system took a job as a state DMH case manager.

When I lost them as a CMHC case manager and, their eventual replacement and I were not able to create a good working relationship, in addition to other circumstances that led me in that direction, I was nearly successful in a major suicide attempt.

Serving as my newly appointed DMH case manager, my former CMHC case manager not only knew me well and we had a very good working relationship together, but they visited me in the critical care unit of the general hospital shortly after I emerged from an unconscious state after two days of my being out (read: unconscious).

This person truly cared and was working for as well as with me. This helped to make a huge difference.

While I could go into much greater detail, the fact is that if they were not in my life when it was needed most and, went the extra mile as they did on many other occasions after that, I would either still be in the state hospital costing Massachusetts taxpayers more dollars than the salary the DMH case manager receives or most likely be dead.

What is either a life as well as quality of life worth to Massachusetts taxpayers these days?

What would you want for your father, mother, spouse, partner, son, daughter or other family member should they be or otherwise end up in the public mental health system?

Would they be worth the money it costs for these crucial case management services?

What about if something were to happen to you and, you ended up in the public mental health system, what would you want for yourself?

The truth is these DMH case managers make a difference and without them, you can bet that more people who are most in need will end up institutionalized, in prison, homeless or dead.

And, not only will the price in human terms be high, but so will the cost to taxpayers as well, as communities across the state will find out soon enough, I am quite sure.

*Note*: made several edits, including within the edited version of the posted comment, for the purposes of clarification and readability; last updated on Thursday, January 8, 2009 at 8:51 PM (EST).

Crazy, Insane?

*Updated* (with the usual edits)

This morning after writing an initial version of the following and sending it out to some of those on my e-networks and, then after doing a rewrite, I submitted this version for publication as commentary to Counterpoint:

Crazy, Insane?

by Morgan W. Brown

Stigma defined:

In sociological theory, a stigma is an attribute, behavior, or reputation which is socially discrediting in a particular way: it causes an individual to be mentally classified by others in an undesirable, rejected stereotype rather than in an accepted, normal one.

via Wikipedia, here.

Although it is not really anything new when it comes to both society in general as well as within political circles at various levels and, the news media that covers such, it seems it is becoming even more common than usual for people and particularly the news media to describe or term in one manner or another and for one reason or another anyone as crazy or insane who they or others disagree with, do not understand or fail to accept.

Recent examples include the embattled Governor of Illinois who is being publicly tried within the press as well as the person he appointed to serve as U.S Senator to fill the seat of President-elect Barack Obama. However there are a multitude of examples provided on nearly a daily basis.

It also seems that these portrayals go completely unchecked. The problem is real and serious and it is just not one of being too sensitive about it or one of being politically correct either.

Not only are these stigmatizing (read: prejudicial) acts of negative labeling and public shaming damaging, they also raise issues concerning how, why and when our society labels others as crazy, insane or mentally ill anyone who they might disagree with, do not understand or fail to accept in one form or another, which is more of a political, moral or social form of oppression and exclusion in order to justify prejudice and discrimination.

These stigmatizing and prejudicial acts in fact act to neutralize and limit those so labeled, causing others to instantly question anything the person says or does, in effect marginalizing them by limiting their free speech rights as well as other rights, since through this process they are not to be taken seriously and this appears to be the aim.

As many already well know, this behavior then has an effect of how people think and act regarding those who become diagnosed with serious and persistent mental illnesses as well as how people so labeled perceive themselves. something which can also have the potential of adding to the numbers of those who attempt or actually commit suicide.

In addition, these matters should also raise issues, concerns and questions about psychiatric diagnosing, labels and labeling in general, whom gets diagnosed or labeled and who does the labeling as well as the actual basis or roots such is based or judged upon.

While there are those who are working on these and related matters, there remains a growing need to find various means to begin to push back against the free for all taking place, particularly via the media in a variety of ways.

This is something that has been concerning me for quite some time now, but the continued daily bombardments of these forms of negative labeling and public humilation with political overtones is getting too overwhelming to be allowed to go virtually unchecked and not call such into question.

Concerning what to do or how to do so, at the moment I have no suggestions to offer, yet it is my hope the means can be found.

One approach of course is to exercise what one person had once mentioned to me in such instances: i.e., something along the lines of:

Free speech that bothers us can only be countered with more free speech.

These are among some of my thoughts on the subject, what are yours?

*Note*: made several edits for the purposes of clarification and readability; last updated on Friday, January 9, 2009 at 6:54 AM (EST).

Under the Gun of Social Security Disability Review Process Again

*Updated* (with the usual edits)

*Note*: This is an updated and edited version of one I e-mailed out to my various e-mail networks earlier.

Although I tend to not always let people know much about what is going on with me or exactly how I am actually doing at times or, at least do not share all the details or depths of such, especially when I am really struggling, this year has been rather tough for me in one manner and degree or another and, during such experiences, finds me barely coping as a result.

When I checked my mail yesterday there was a disability review information and form packet mailed by the Montpelier office of the Social Security Administration.

This is my third review, the last being in 1998/1999, which was one I barely survived after initially having my social security benefits terminated through what was a flawed process on the part of the state disability review office, but then who finally revisited, reviewed and eventually reversed their decision once concerns and protest as well as additional authoritative information was brought to their attention on my behalf by others.

For more on the subject, read a reprint of: The Journey of dis-Ability: Reflections on How Income Can Benefit Outcomes (via The Independent; February-March 1999 Edition; Volume 8, Number 1; posted Friday, January 17, 2003).

It has been in the back of my mind for a while now that I could be the subject of another review at some point, especially given some of the more higher profile activities and blogging I have engaged in of late (e.g., the Vermont Watch blog), which could have come to the attention of certain persons and possibly causing some to question whether I was still qualified for these income and related benefits or not.

That said, I am not at all suggesting that this is indeed the case, only that I knew when I started my political blog there existed a greater potential of leading to such an end. That said as well, I also knew a review could happen even if I did not engage in such activities and blogging, so I had nothing to lose either way or so it seemed. Thus, whatever the case might actually be, it is a moot point since I have no control over it one way or another and have to focus on what is in front of me instead.

While I have about two weeks to fill out the forms included within the packet, I am already feeling fairly stressed about it (including experiencing attacks of both deep panic as well as severe anxiety).

At least in part, this is because when I read some of the enclosed information and questions on the forms, as well as the medicalized context within how they are presented, it would — and, also based on previous experience from the last time around — seem to spell major gloom and doom.

However, while I do believe that how this process will be done will be different this time around, it could easily still result in a decision to terminate my benefits and, if this worse case scenario were to indeed happen, then leaving me forced to have to go through an appeal process and not being able to endure coping with it.

Just because an individual has rights to appeal, does not always mean they survive the process either very well or at all, even if they could be successful if they were able to persist, something that can be very difficult to do even when a person has the help of others. I know, been there, done that both when I went through the lengthy process of initially getting the benefits as well as the last review.

The very thorough review in between those two was rather easier on comparison, yet no less stressful and troubling for me; in fact it was the first review in 1993 or 1994 or so that caused a lot of upheaval to the point that afterwards I moved out of the housing (Summer 1996) I had been in since the Spring of 1992 due at least in part to the stress of the experience as well as other factors leading to my no longer feeling safe and comfortable within those quarters.

All to state that if I either appear to be under more duress or become less engaged than has usually been the case of late, this could help to explain at least part of why.

It seems like this will be yet another chapter in the ongoing saga that shall be filed under the Journey of dis-Ability, with mine being just one version of journeys faced differently in one manner and degree or another by many others as well of course.

*Note*: made several edits for the purpose of clarification and readability; last updated on Monday, December 1, 2008 at 4:08 AM (ET).

Reflections on the Community Recovery Residence (CRR) in Williamstown: ‘Second Spring’

Read my blog post on the subject, here [via Beyond Vermont State Hospital (VSH) blog; Tuesday, April 24, 2007].

"Mental Health" Watch

Mental Illness Stigma Project

mental health association of broward county for more education and information visit www.mhabroward.org

[via YouTube, here; posted by cliffordbeers (February 26, 2007); length: 1:26 minutes]

"Mental Health" Watch

What do you think of the current mental health system?

I am looking for video responses. What do you think of the current mental health system?

[via YouTube, here; posted by melsbasketcase (September 25, 2006); length: 8:45 minutes]

Even if the views of the person are somewhat different than my own in one regard or another concerning the matters raised by them within this particular video of theirs, in my opinion, this is definitely a must-watch.

*Update*: For my part, I am not set up to vlog a response to her vlog. However, although it does not address all of the questions and matters she addressed, those interested in learning my own views regarding some — yet not all — of these matters can read an old essay of mine from years back entitled: Self-determination and independence versus force and dependency [via National Empowerment Center (NEC)].

*Note*: last updated on Tuesday, February 27, 2007 at 5:30 PM [EST].

"Mental Health" Watch

Mental Health Liberation
and
Anti-Psychiatry Movement

Dr. John Breeding, Ph.D. Psychologist talks about the mental health liberation movement, the anti-psychiatry movement, the movement against psychiatric oppression.

[...]

[via YouTube, here; posted by psychtruth (January 02, 2007); length: 16:00 minutes]

fyi:

• Dr. John Breeding, Ph.D. [via Wildest Colts]
• MindFreedom International